Dinah Kay

Let’s talk about mom guilt. You know what I’m talking about… we feel guilty because we work. We feel guilty because we don’t work. We wonder if we are the helicopter parent and try backing off. Then our kid gets hurt and we feel guilty that we’re not involved more. Not to mention food, sleep and hygiene… should we do it this way? But our friend does it that way. She seems like such a better mom than me. The list goes on and on and on. There’s just ALWAYS a reason to feel guilty in our parenting. 

And ya know what… this past week was rough for me. The mom guilt was in full swing. And I was throwing gutter balls. My sports analogy doesn’t really make sense, but you get the idea.

Raise your hand if you have a high-needs kiddo. Yep, that’s me. The ones that need extra, momma love. For example, when my little man was a baby, he couldn’t fall asleep on his own. He had pretty bad reflux and had to sleep wrapped to my chest. Which, you guessed it, meant very little sleep for me. He also didn’t start sleeping through the night until he was 6. Yes, you heard that right. S-I-X. Not 6 months. Six years!I

I laugh now at the questions that started when he was 3 months old. “Is he sleeping through the night yet?” Three months?? Ha!!! We blew right past that milestone and kept on trucking.

Parenting is hard.

My point is this. Parenting is hard. Parenting a typical kid is hard. Parenting a high needs kid is hard. You add any sort of trauma, pain, suffering and it’s a recipe for making mistakes. Not doing things right. Then… cue the mom guilt… shame and guilt in massive proportions can pop up easily. 

Here’s the problem. Heavy heapings of shame and guilt only makes the problem worse. It’s like adding a boulder to your shoulders when you’re already hunched over.

This was my experience this past week. It’s my busy season at work. The stress is piling up. Things hadn’t gone well that morning getting my kiddo up. I was overwhelmed. He needed me to help him regulate. And I needed to walk away. Instead I listened to the mom guilt. I tried to stay and “help.” Which made the situation worse. When a stuffy came flying at me, I got mad. Flooded with emotion. Then instead of walking away calmly, I left in an angry huff.

After a few minutes of being in his room, he came downstairs and asked, using good words, for breakfast. I was in no place to parent and told him, “YOU CANNOT HAVE JELLY TOAST. I’M MAD. I’M NOT FUN OR PLAYFUL RIGHT NOW. BUT I LOVE YOU.”

So, why my overreaction?? Two words: mom guilt. Let me explain.

This is what Proverbs 3 says: to trust in the Lord with all our heart and not to lean on our own understanding.

I read this passage and feel all sorts of Pharisee pride. I DO trust God. I DO obey. I think, “Well, I don’t lean on my own understanding. So, I’m good.”

But I am just so wrong. My own understanding tells me to trust OTHERS above God. To go to OTHERS for advice. To compare to other moms. To try and do what THEY’RE doing vs what God is telling me to do.

How often do I seek God’s counsel? The Bible? Or trust the Holy Spirit to lead me? Before, I go to someone else for advice?

So, when “experts” tell me how to parent, I believe them. And I try my hardest to follow their advice. I listen to the mom guilt over my Savior. The lover of my soul as well as my  kiddo’s.

1 Samuel 15 verse 22 tells us that God delights when we obey the voice of the Lord.

I looked up the word obedience. In Hebrew, it means to hear intelligently, to discern.

When I read that, I was floored.

God does not want our blind obedience.

God does not want our blind obedience. He wants me to think. To use my mind. To discern.

This is the complete opposite of what I do with other people.

Provers 3:7 says to “fear the Lord.” How can I fear the LORD, if I”m fearing other people?

So, with all that in mind, I took my struggle to the LORD. He was gracious to me and He removed my mom guilt. He reminded me that parenting my child the “right” way is always going to look different then someone else parenting their child the “right” way.

He reminded me, that when I step away and take time to pray. To ground myself in the Spirit. I leave room for God to heal us both. And when I re-enter, it is with the power of the Holy Spirit, not my own strength. In my weakness, He is strong.

How great a God that He uses even this. Mom guilt to bring healing.

And that is why I count it all joy.